


You Can't Go Back

by darcymariaphoster



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional, Hallucinations, M/M, Peter Parker is the key, Relationship Issues, Stony - Freeform, Time Travel, aus within aus, hopefully it didn't get too muddled, many Iron Man suits, theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 06:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16383053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darcymariaphoster/pseuds/darcymariaphoster
Summary: The idea for the suit was only a theory, something that he didn't think he would actually be able to create. The problem is, he DID create it, and it's more dangerous for him than he originally thought.





	1. One

It's been seven years.  _ Seven,  _ Steve thinks with a sigh. After Aunt May died, Steve and Tony took in Peter. Steve knew it wasn't going to be easy; Peter was already in his preteens. Not to mention the fact that Steve and Tony were going through a rocky time in their relationship. Steve was normally a rational person. And he'd normally say it was a bad idea. But Steve was close to him, wanted to help. He took a risk, and hoped it would help bring him and Tony together. It was this idea that convinced Steve, for awhile, that they were doing OK. And then he realized that Tony was staying in the workshop later and later, and it was just Steve and Peter most days. And it just made Steve angrier with Tony. He was supposed to do this alone? After everything they'd been through, and they couldn't handle this? Of course, things weren't easy for Peter -- he'd lost everything and now his adoptive parents were falling apart. The whole thing wasn't fair to Peter, and Steve regrets putting him into this position to begin with. He drops his head into his hands, frustrated and exhausted. He's tired of being angry. He's tired of being tired. He hears footsteps down the hall and feels himself tense. He's tired of feeling that, too. "Steve?" Tony calls softly, stepping into the kitchen. He stops at the other end of the table. "I didn't think you'd still be up..."

 

"And I didn't think you'd be out of that Hellhole yet," Steve answers scathingly without looking up. Something pings inside him and he sucks in a strained breath before he looks up, resting his chin on the palms of his hands.

 

Tony pulls out a chair across from him and sits with a groan. "Well, that was nice," he mutters, rubbing his hand over his face. "Although, I guess I don't really blame you. I'm sorry." Tony taps the table softly. "Can we talk for a minute?"

 

Steve looks up at him. "It's one in the morning, you've been up for 73 hours, and you want to  _ talk _ ? Are you serious? Very typical of you. I'm not talking until you've slept. And, frankly, I'm not sure I want to talk at all." He puts both hands on the table, ready to stand, and hesitates. "Look... I'm sorry... I just... I'm tired."

 

Tony nods. "I know." And he does. He knows he's hard to deal with, and he doesn't deserve Steve. He always feels like the blond grounds him. He wants to say everything he feels, but he never does. He feels like it's too late. Tonight's no different. "But, listen, I've made progress. I've figured out how to calibrate the suit so it can break that barrier I was talking about the other day." He's better at avoiding than talking anyway.

 

This time, Steve does stand. "You want to talk about work? You're unbelievable. Actually, no, I am." He runs a hand through his hair. "I thought this could work. I thought you might actually want to make this work. I was just lying to myself. Take the bed -- you need more sleep than I do." And he goes to get a pillow and blanket for himself. Peter has school in the morning, so he knows he won't sleep much.

 

Tony watches him go, ignoring every pull he has to attempt to top him. He's known their relationship has been imploding for awhile. With a sigh, he stands again and heads back down to his workshop. There's no intention of going to bed. He's not even sure why he went upstairs to begin with. When he gets downstairs, he goes to his workbench and picks up the nearest tool -- a screwdriver -- and throws it across the room. "I had it coming," he tells himself as nonchalantly as possible. "I did..." 

 

He looks around as he walks to the couch and sits down. "Fuck." He rests his head on the back of the couch and closes his eyes. When he wakes, it's because the alarm system in the house is going off. "JARVIS?" he calls, working to stand. "Where are Steve and Peter?" His heart rate has spiked dangerously high just thinking about his family and he hates how he feels like this in a moment of panic. Why doesn't he feel like this all the time? Suddenly, he feels the heavy weight of his armor start piling onto him. He looks down. It's the prototype. It's the wrong suit.  _ It's the wrong suit!  _ "JARVIS! What is going  _ on _ ?" He hears some sort of crackling answer as his helmet snaps on, but he can't make out any words. There is no good outcome to whatever happens next. And he still has no idea if his family is safe. "Steve's resourceful," he tries to say in an attempt to calm himself down. "And he'll watch for Peter, who's smart..." Before he can get further, he feels a jerk, somewhere near his bellybutton. He can't even blink, or really register exactly what's happening, before there's a flash and he blacks out.

 

~~

 

Tony hears the voice first, but only recognizes it in it's sound. "Sir? Sir, are you OK?" It the tone is wrong, but the voice is familiar. He pries open his eyes to see Steve hovering above him. Except, it's not Steve. It's the Steve he only knows from the stories his father would tell him. He pushes himself up into a sitting position, and takes stock of his surroundings. His suit has retracted into a compact watch on his right wrist. Everything seems familiar, but not how he knows it. 

 

"Where am I?" Tony asks, his voice slightly gravelly. His head hurts. He reaches up automatically and feels for any blood. 

 

Steve's frown deepens and that expression looks closer to the Steve he knows. "New York City..." he pauses and then goes on in a slight rush. "Do you live around here? Have you been drinking? Maybe I can take you home?"

 

Well, Rogers didn't become Captain America because he was an asshole. "I haven't been drinking," he answers and pulls his hand away from his head. No blood; always a good sign.

 

Steve pauses to consider that answer before again asking, "Are you OK? Can I help you home?"

 

Now, in  _ his _ timeline, Tony wouldn't hesitate. Steve is huge and can lift him like he's nothing more than a paperweight. In this one, not so much. Steve is maybe half his size, and is a rather sickly sort of pale. Yet, his heart is definitely bigger than his bones here. Tony can't help the small smile that graces his lips, despite how  _ not  _ humorous his situation is. "I'm going to be fine. I'm just kind of in shock right now. I... I'm visiting my cousin, Howard Stark. Do you know him?" He's not entirely sure at which point in time he landed himself -- or if this is even a timeline in which Steve  _ meets  _ Howard. Doctor Strange had talked briefly about time travel once, and the dangers of it. Tony knew most anything was possible, especially if you didn't know what you were doing -- which he most definitely did  _ not _ .

 

"Oh, I know Howard, yeah," Steve replies earnestly, a touch of relief in his voice. "I'm not entirely sure where he lives, though. I only work with him..." Steve pushes a hand through his hair, his eyebrows knitting together in a rather familiar frustrated expression.

 

Unfortunately, Tony knows where his father lives. He's not about to impose on this Steve, as tempting as it is. "I do. You don't have to worry." The biggest problem is that Howard does not know that he has a cousin visiting him. He thinks about getting a hotel room but, as his luck would have it, his wallet is in his bedside table drawer in a completely different time period. He really has to resist rolling his eyes at that thought.

 

Steve looks down at the watch on his wrist with a thoughtful spark in his eyes. "It's pretty late... My apartment isn't too far from here. Why don't you just stay with me the night and you can go to Howard's tomorrow morning?"

 

That's a bit much, and Tony tries his best not to look as appalled as he feels. "Excuse me, but you don't even know my name. What if I were a serial killer? What if I was a petty thief? You could wake up tomorrow with nothing -- or not wake up at all! Are you crazy? Nice, but crazy?"

 

The blond smiles, obviously amused by the outburst. "I'm not worried. You probably have a concussion, so you won't be sleeping tonight. But also, your hands are too shaky to be a petty thief; you might be a thief, but too proud to steal after being invited in. Your ego would demand a challenge. Also, you're a Stark, so if you did anything stupid, you'd have to answer to Howard and I don't think anyone would want to answer to him."

 

Tony's annoyed at that. They've been talking for about ten or so minutes and Steve's already got most of his personality figured out. He supposes that what Steve lacked in physicality, he made up for in other ways. It was hard to imagine with the Steve he knew, because that Steve had everything, it seemed. This one, though, this one is different. It's definitely an adjustment, and one that Tony's having a hard time wrapping his head around. "My name is Tony," he finally mutters reluctantly.

 

Steve sticks his hand out for a shake. "Steve Rogers," he answers cheerfully. "It's nice to meet you, Tony." 

 

Tony shakes his hand, still awestruck. "How are you even real?" It is a dumb and rather rhetoric question, because he knows that Steve is real. He knows what he's like in the future. This is just bizarre. He's seriously wondering how Steve managed to survive just to the Super Soldier experiment. How did someone  _ not  _ kill him first? Apparently, he has managed to survive solely on being stubborn.

 

Steve laughs a bit at the question, but doesn't address it. "Can you walk? What happened?" he asks instead, standing up and presenting himself as if ready to help Tony stand. 

 

The brunette pushes himself up onto his feet, wincing at a pain in his ribs that he he hadn't noticed until that point. He's not exactly sure what happened, so he's not sure what he can really tell Steve that won't sound crazy. He rubs the back of his head and down his neck. "I lost my ride," is what he settles on saying. Has he always been this good at telling a lie and a truth at the same time? Now that's he's hyper-aware of the fact that he's doing it, he's not sure of the answer. "I can walk."

 

"Are you sure?" Steve asks, obviously a little thrown by his first comment. "What did you do to kicked out of the taxi?"

 

Normally, he would be more than a little amused by the innocent jump in conclusions. But, to be fair, Steve knows nothing about Iron Man and he's made the only logical assumption he can under the circumstances. He smiles, nonetheless, and answers, "It must have been something I said. I tend to do that." Steve laughs, a bit startled, but not worried.

 

~~

 

At around seven the next morning, Steve caves and says that they can go to Howard's place. They've been up all night, with the blond hovering over Tony, absolutely convinced that he might have a concussion. Tony can't say it was a boring night. There were things that were only relevant to the Steve in this timeline, things that the Steve Tony knew has probably long forgotten. They do, at some point, touch on the fact that the scrawny young man is afraid of being the first to undergo the experiment. Tony finds the perspective interesting. Steve never talks about that fear now. He wonders if the man even remembers it anymore. After a pretty decent breakfast, Steve helps Tony flag down a taxi and they head to the Stark Mansion, with Tony contemplating a plan the whole way.

 

He fiddles with his watch a bit, wondering why it retracted in the first place. He hasn't bothered trying to get it to turn back into his suit because he doesn't want to freak out Steve. However, he knows that Howard should have an entire basement that he's dedicated to his work (he hates that his own home mimics his father's) and it should be safe at some point to attempt the suit if he can get down there. And that's where the trouble comes in. Howard doesn't know that he has a cousin in town, and that could get sticky really fast. Howard hasn't met his future wife yet, so he lives a more playboy and slightly paranoid lifestyle. Tony's pretty sure that the best way to get Howard to calm down is to tell him the truth. So he's really weighing two negatives here: tell Howard, scare Steve; don't scare Steve, freak out Howard. 

 

The car ride is ridiculously short for how much he has to figure out. By the time they reach Howard's place, Tony still feels stuck. He has not come up with a solution to his problem. Tony and Steve get out of the taxi and Steve pays while Tony casually starts walking toward his doom. He's basically screaming internally about how dumb this is and how he should turn around. But he's never been good at listening -- at all. Steve hurries to catch up as Tony knocks on the door. The butler, Jarvis, answers and Tony falters. He forgot that. "Er, hello..." he starts, his heart is beating in his ears. "My name is Anthony Stark, Howard's cousin, and I'm here to see him."

 

Jarvis twists his lips a little, like he doesn't quite believe him. There is a very good reason he named his common sense robot JARVIS. "One moment," he drawls and closes the door. 

 

When he returns, he's accompanied by Howard. There's a calculating spark behind the man's eyes that Tony recognizes and is relieved by. He doesn't buy the lie, but he's interested in why someone is lying to him. The spark is something Tony knows as his "mad scientist" eye; he always had that look in his eye when he was in the lab, working on something particularly challenging. "I didn't think I'd be getting a visit from family any time soon," Howard greets and then glances at Steve. "Hey, kid."

 

"Hi, Howard," Steve replies and awkwardly lifts his hand. 

 

"Well, things change," Tony tells Howard, who turns his attention back to him. "I need help. And, no, it's not financial." This seems to interest Howard even more and he gestures them inside. The place is mostly the same as Tony remembers it, except more fitting for the time. It's more than a little surreal. 

 

Jarvis closes the door behind them, and Howard says, "So, if it's not financial, it must be intelligence. How can I help?" 

 

It takes Tony a minute. His chest is hurting a bit, some sort of mix of anger and nostalgia uncoiling in his veins. He undoes the watch on his wrist and turns to Steve. "It's gonna get complicated. You don't mind?"

 

Steve glances at Howard and back at Tony with a thoughtful expression, despite looking, overall, extremely awkward. "I guess not."

 

Howard, luckily, swoops in. "Jarvis can show you to the library so you can read while we talk," he says, a bit eagerly. "I wasn't planning on guests but I don't want you to be bored. Jarvis."

 

The butler steps over and gestures for Steve to follow him. "Okay, thanks..." the blond mutters and wanders behind the butler to the library. Tony has some interesting memories about that library.

 

"And now, I'd really like to know who you are and why you're here," Howard tells Tony as soon as he seems sure that Steve is out of earshot. "You've lied to Rogers, that's obvious. How did you know where I lived? What did you tell him?"

 

There's the paranoia that Tony was expecting. With a sigh, he begins. "I told him that I was your cousin, obviously. Which I'm not, obviously. Here's the tricky thing, I know it's going to sound a bit out there, but if anyone can get their head around this, it's you." Howard's expression doesn't really change except for a slight twitch in his lips that betrays his interest. "My name is Anthony Stark and I'm your son."

 

You know those awkward silences that you hear about in movies after someone has just said something crazy? It's one of those silences. Finally, though, Howard slowly says, "And how did you get here?"

 

The fun part of the story. "Well, I have this friend who is into the not-so-sciencey side of things and he can do some time travelling. For practical purposes, I decided to attempt time travel myself because, come on, that's cool. So I was working on a prototype suit that could potentially do that. I finally managed to get most of the tweaking finished, and then something happened at home. It caused some sort of malfunction in my AI and the prototype was the suit that ended up on my body. But when I woke up here, it was in this thing" -- he waved the watch emphatically -- "and I'm kind of at a loss as to what the hell happened. I don't know why it was the suit I armored up in. I don't know why I jumped here. I don't get it. And I'm not sure that the suit will activate."

 

Howard's expression has changed completely. It's something between awe, confusion, excitement, and trying to work out a complicated puzzle. "I have the gist of what you're saying, but I think you have to change some of the terms, or explain them to me. What suit? You have multiple? What's an AI?" The scientist in Howard has awakened and Tony's relieved. He explains as much as he can in the simplest way he can. His dad was brilliant but the technology was completely different. As he talks, he activates his watch and sets it on the ground. Thankfully, as he wraps up his explanation, the suit assembles itself before them and saves him the difficult task of trying to describe it. "Incredible..." Howard mutters, walking around the suit in full-blown calculating mode. "How did you figure this out?"

 

"Well, the mechanics of it weren't very hard," Tony answers in the most humble of ways. "I've been building robots since I was something like seven years old. The challenges have come in the fun parts -- finding ways to hide weaponry and the repulsors, that sort of stuff."

 

The silence is different this time. Howard is contemplating both Tony's words and the suit now. "I assume that by telling me about the future, you've already disrupted things. Is there a chance you would answer other questions I have?"

 

"Depends on the questions," Tony replies, wary. "I'd like to still exist when I get back. There are people still relying on me..." And some people who may not care if he wasn't there tomorrow. Maybe it didn't matter as much as he feared it did.

 

Howard pauses beside the Iron Man and turns his head to look Tony up and down. "It's almost sad how much you look like me..." he says softly, something close to sympathy in his voice. "You must have a lot of the same bad habits..." Tony really hates that. He wants to blame his dad but he's always known that, despite popular belief, it's not genetic to be an asshole. It's learned and he learned well. "But I will be fair. Whatever the flaws we potentially see, they're part of something that shouldn't be tampered with. I won't ask."

 

"I mean, don't  _ not  _ ask just because you're afraid of screwing up my future," Tony snaps impatiently. He doesn't know a Howard that isn't arrogant or a jerk. The idea that he's backing down to save Tony's feelings or messing up a future doesn't jive well with how he sees this man.

 

"Why do you suppose that, in a moment of crisis, your suit somehow picked  _ this  _ time?" Howard asks with equal impatience. "Why did you come to me and not tell Steve the truth?"

 

"I didn't want to scare him off," Tony retorts, crossing his arms. "He's not a man of science. He'd think I was crazy."

 

Howard scoffs. "He's not faint of heart." He turns completely and mimics Tony's stance. "How do you expect to fix something you don't even understand? What were you running from?"

 

His wall around his temper collapses and Tony shouts, "Everything! My partner, my son, my friends, my work -- nothing's right and it's my fault and I wanted to go back and see what I did wrong." He exhales loudly and adds, in a quieter voice, "I wanted to know how to fix it... Or how to leave it, if I can't."

 

As Howard stares at him, his expression and posture soften. "You can only run so far before it all catches up to you," he says with a thoughtful tone to his voice as he turns back to inspect the Iron Man suit closer. "I must not have been the greatest example. But you obviously inherited my intelligence. So think logically about what you're doing... Does it make sense?" Tony frowns, stubbornly not answering. "Can you put this on?"

 

"Yeah," he mutters, slightly thrown by the sudden change of conversation. He pushes a button on the neck of the suit to retract it into a watch that he catches from the air. He puts it on and activates it again. Watching Howard's face is just as rewarding as he thought it would be. "Ta-da." He stretches out his armor-clad arms.

 

Howard stares at him a moment, rather blankly, and asks, "When are you going to stop rebuilding these suits and start rebuilding yourself?"

 

Tony holds up a hand in protest. "Okay, first of all, there was a very real, and not metaphorical, reason I built the first suit!" he objects with some irritation. "Also--"

 

He doesn't get the chance to finish as Howard over talks him with, "What version of the suit is this?"

 

Tony has to think about that one. He retracts the face mask as he says, "Forty...Forty-eight, I think. Something like that anyway."

 

"I'm sorry; you've built forty-eight of these things and you want to tell me this isn't a metaphor?" Howard actually seems really stunned. He pushes up a casing in the chest piece and fiddles around with some of the circuit board inside, muttering to himself the whole time. "Ignoring that whole thing, because I'm not about to father-lecture someone that I shouldn't know about yet, I only have one question."

 

Tony glances down at his chest, surprised when he hears JARVIS in his ear. "Good afternoon, sir." And it's definitely the monotone, metallic JARVIS. 

 

"I don't know what you just did but you earned yourself one answer," Tony tells Howard with relief. 

 

But Howard doesn't ask right away. He continues to fiddle around, even going so far to walk away to find tools before he comes back to keep working. "Does Steve survive the administration of the serum?"

 

That was very much  _ not  _ the question that Tony was expecting. He contemplates the result in answering but ultimately decides that there couldn't be anything too detrimental in telling him the truth. "Yes," he finally replies. "Yes, he very much does."

 

"Good..." Howard sounds relieved and a little tired. There seemed to be so much that made Howard tick, and Tony had never found much of those things out. "And good luck in your time." He closes the panel and gives Tony an odd little smile. Before he can ask what he means, his mask clicks into place, that tug by his bellybutton is back and he quickly loses consciousness.

 

\--

 

When Tony opens his eyes again, he has a splitting headache. He's grateful to find that his suit is still on, considering he finds himself in  _ completely _ unfamiliar territory. He pushes himself into a sitting position with a quiet groan. "JARVIS?" he practically whispers, looking around. It's almost completely black. "Can I get thermal?" His vision changes with a bit of static, but the picture he's getting isn't much help. A lot of black, a little blue. He retracts his mask and lets his eyes adjust. There are vague outlines of what appears to be rubble all around him.

 

A voice by his right makes him jump. "Who are you?" it says loudly. Or is it just that his ears had begun adjusting to silence? The person gets a little closer and he's obviously holding a weapon. "Stark?" he asks, startled. The man throws his arms up and takes a step back, turning halfway to leave. "I didn't sign up for this. I'm out."

 

"Wait, wait, wait!" Tony cries, nervous about the idea that he'd be out alone in a place he didn't know. Desperate to catch his full attention, and curious to know who was talking to him, he turns on his chest lamp to illuminate the man. 

 

The man jumps toward him, a wild look of panic on his face as he covers the light with his hands. "What are you _ doing _ , you idiot!?" he hisses furiously and then motions for him to stay quiet. They sit there, perfectly still and barely breathing for a few moments. The silence is suddenly broken by inhuman sounds that are not as distant as Tony would like. The sounds are something between a growl and a whine, disrupted by thuds and scratching, scrambling sounds. "Shit," the man deadpans and starts yanking at Tony with one hand and tapping behind his ear with his other. A mask appears over his face, red lights where his eyes should be. "Get up, get up!" he shouts urgently. "We gotta go! Run, run, _ run _ !" 

 

Tony stumbles to his feet, turns off the light, and takes off after him. He glances once over his shoulder and sees the outline of creatures scrabbling forward on all fours, jaws snapping in fury. "Can they see us?" Tony cries, looking for the stranger again. _ He, _ at least, knows where he's going.

 

"Do your boosters work?" he calls back and Tony activates them, scooping him up under his arms. One of his boosters sputters pathetically and he kicks it against his other foot to get it to work better. "They don't see in the dark, but they hear magnificently. You probably tipped them off even before you turned on the light. You just put a _ spotlight _ on us when you turned it on!"

"I didn't _ know _ !" Tony counters in irritation. This man is getting on his nerves. "Where are we going?"

 

"There's a reason I didn't go looking for you _ with a flashlight _ ," the stranger yells, obviously just as irritated. "Just go straight until I say otherwise!" Tony doesn't have a choice except to trust him, so he just keeps going, trying to ignore the Hellish sounds behind them that will probably be in his nightmares for years to come. Quite suddenly, the man shouts, "Drop me! And jump in after!"

 

Without letting himself think, Tony just reacts. He drops him and nosedives into a narrow tunnel after him. It's not deep, and the man comes up short rather quickly, bracing his feet against a door of some kind. He swipes his left hand over a sensor and the door swooshes open. He hops in gracefully. Tony swoops in after him, dropping a little clumsily beside him. Tony warily looks over his shoulder as the door clangs shut behind them, and listens to at least two creatures attack the door. The door doesn't even dent or shake, though the creatures are attacking it with vigor. Tony's quivering ever so slightly. 

 

"Peter?" a familiar voice calls and the hair on the back of Tony's neck stands on end as he swivels his head back around. The room itself is more like a cave with electric lamps leading down another tunnel, out of which walks Steve Rogers and a raccoon with a backpack on. "What happ..." He doesn't finish the question, though, as his eyes land on Tony. His body language changes, but Tony can't quite tell if he's become more relaxed or on edge. 

 

"Look what the wind blew in," the stranger says scathingly, gesturing at Tony as he walks to stand by Steve.

 

"Well, someone has their panties in a wad," the raccoon remarks with a snicker as he wanders toward Tony. "I wonder why." He obviously knows why. "How'd you do it? Is it really you?" 

 

The raccoon taps the shin of the Iron Man suit. Tony scoffs and takes a step back. He doesn't trust the creature at his feet, mostly because it's talking. "Who are _ you _ ?" he asks sharply, resisting the urge to power-up his repulsors. 

 

_ Everyone's _ posture changes this time, and the raccoon peers up at him distrustfully. "Rocket." He says it like it's supposed to ring a bell. "What, did you knock your head too hard out there?"

 

"No, I just don't _ know _ you," Tony replies, narrowing his eyes in return. He looks up at Steve, who has nothing but confusion and concern on his face. "Why do you know these people and I don't? Where am I? And what the _ Hell _ were those demonic... _ things _ up there?"

 

"Did you check this guy out before you brought him down here?" Rocket demands of the man standing beside Steve, spinning on him. 

 

"I didn't have a chance!" the man shouts. Didn't Steve call him Peter as he was coming in? "He turned on a _ light _ !"

 

"Why would you turn on a light, Tony?" Steve asks with genuine concern in his voice.

 

"Why _ wouldn't _ I?" Tony's getting frustrated now. No one is making any sense, and no one is _ actually _ telling him anything, either. "It was dark! And I wanted to know who was talking shit to me. Which, by the way, I _ still don't know _ !"

 

It's quiet for a moment before Steve walks over, solely focused on him. "You should be dead. So who are you?"

 

That throws Tony for a moment. He thinks back to when he started this whole time travelling adventure. The alarms had gone off; did everyone think he'd died? Is the place he's in now the future? Or just _ one possible _ future? He's really hoping for the latter. "I'm Tony Stark," he says automatically, and then adds, "But I'm not from this timeline, I don't think."

 

Steve's eyebrows raise in surprise. "What do you mean? Do you have the Time Stone?" He almost seems a bit excited by that idea.

 

"Er, no," Tony replies slowly. "After I met Strange, I got it into my head that I might be able to figure out how to time travel with science and technology -- since Strange wasn't about to let me borrow the Stone. I managed to figure it out, for the most part. But this suit was only a prototype and I'd never actually done any travelling in it until today." He pauses, wondering if it was still one day. What if he'd been gone for seconds? Or months? That causes him to shiver uneasily. "I haven't been able to gain any control over where I land, though... I've been to 1942 already, and my father helped me fix the suit -- it gets damaged every time I jump. And now I'm here. Wherever the Hell _ here _ is."

 

Rocket glares at him. "How do you know Doctor Strange but you don't know who Peter and I are?"

 

Tony rolls his eyes to the ceiling with a sigh before answering, "Strange made a point to seek out the Avengers after taking over the New York sanctum. He thought it would be wise to know who was supposed to be physically protecting the city-slash-world so he didn't step on any toes. We've worked with him twice since then. Never hear from him otherwise."

 

"So, you haven't had to fight Thanos yet, in your timeline?" Peter asks skeptically, crossing his arms over his chest. "That doesn't make any sense. He's been behind every major attack on Earth for years before he finally showed up."

 

"I don't know who that is," Tony tells him honestly, a bit intrigued despite himself. 

 

"The attack on New York," Steve reminds him, though it sounds similar in form to a question. 

 

"Loki was working for Thanos. He had his own personal agenda, but he had the same aim in the end as Thanos."

 

Tony scratches the back of his head. "The attack on New York happened about three years ago... Loki wasn't working for anyone. He owned up to enslaving an entire race to do his bidding. When Thor took back the Tesseract, the race turned on Loki -- kinda 'woke up'. Asgard imprisoned Loki and have been at war with the Chitauri since. I guess Thor's mom was all up in arms about the idea of just handing him over. I've only heard from Thor once since the attack, and it was to update us on the war, make sure Earth didn't need him, and to check on his girlfriend. I don't know about any Thanos guy but, unless Loki was lying and something's coming down the line still, he didn't have anything to do with that attack on New York." It's so quiet after he finishes talking that it finally registers that the creatures aren't attacking the door anymore. A sudden rumbling breaks the stillness, though, and Tony reaches back toward the wall behind him to brace himself, but the distance is too much. "What was that?"

 

Steve's eyes widen and Rocket looks uneasy, his ears going down in an almost fearful manner. "Hold on," the blond says urgently. "And, Tony, no matter how real it feels -- _ none _ of it is."

 

That's the only warning he gets before he feels like he's falling. His heart is in his throat and his stomach swoops; his surroundings blur in an upward motion. He lands on one knee, feeling like the breath has been knocked out of him. His eyes are tightly closed as he tries to center himself. When he finally feels less like he's spinning, he opens his eyes and feels sick. He's standing on hundreds of corpses. He doesn't recognize most of the faces, but he can pick out a few among the bodies. He feels his own body begin to shake, from his core out. "What the Hell...?" he whispers breathlessly. He stands upright and looks around the cavern. The floor is literally just bodies tangled together and matted with burns and blood. From across the room, he sees the Mark XLI standing beside his father, who is on his knees and somewhere between wailing and begging. "Anthony, don't. Don't do this." 

 

He knows what's coming before he actually sees it, but watching it makes his stomach roll anyway. The suit, without ever looking at the man, raises one hand and blasts him with a repulsor. He can't help the gut-wrenching "NO!" that escapes his lips. "I didn't! It's not my fault! That wasn't me!" The suit continues to stare him down as it takes a couple of steps toward him. The sound makes his stomach churn so hard, he really _ does _ almost vomit this time. "It's not real. Steve said that none of this is real..."

 

A voice in his head, not unlike his own, suggests, "What if it's the Steve you left behind? The one you hurt? Who is _ so _ angry with you?" The tone is snide, taunting, and more arrogant than his own -- which, under different circumstances, he might have found baffling. "What if he's lying?"

 

"Steve is a lot of things, but he's not a liar," Tony says , but his vocal chords feel weak and his voice is strained. "It's not real..."

 

The walls feel like they're closing in. The Mark XLI shoots down Steve and Peter Parker. Tony feels like he can't breathe. "What if it _ is _ ?" His heart is in his throat. "What if it is all real? What if it is your fault?"

 

Tony shakes his head, repeating "It's not real," under his breath in almost one continuous stream.

 

"It's _ your _ fault that you're here," the voice admonishes scathingly. "It's _ your _ fault that your relationship is failing. _ You _ hurt Steve. _ You _ hurt Peter. What if it's _ all _ real? _ You're _ killing the people you love. _ Your _ arrogance and complacency killed your father. _ It's your fault _ !"

 

The Mark XLI raises its hand and hits him with an energy blast that sends him flying into the wall behind him and knocks the breath out of him. He grips at his chest, full on panic setting in. The room fades back to the cave he was in before. Peter, doubled-over, breathlessly calls to Steve and reaches for him. Steve, absolutely winded, touches Rocket's head as he passes him and takes Peter's hand. Everything feels _ wrong _ , _ off _ , somehow. It reminds him of his captivity when he first built the Iron Man suit and he feels _ wild _ with panic. He's going to _ die _ . He's going to die here and these people are in on it! Steve looks over at Tony and softly calls his name. He powers up his repulsors and goes on the defense. He's getting out here this time. "Back off," he says. He means to sound menacing, but he's still winded so he comes up short.

"Hey, whatever you saw, it wasn't real," Rocket reminds him gently. His paws are up a bit, at least in Tony's view, which is fine. He doesn't respond, though; his eyes bounce back from one individual to another. 

 

He snaps his mask into place. Steve's stronger than he is, and Peter has his weapon slung over his back still. He won't get out of this unscathed, but he _ will _ get out. Steve looks somewhere between determined and hurt, while Peter seems too shaken still to fully comprehend the situation. "Steven! Peter!" a loud, thunderous voice calls from down the tunnel and Thor emerges half a second later. The Norse God looks at Tony and his expression is full of confusion. "Man of Iron?"

 

Something in his chest snaps and he feels the panic deflate like a balloon losing all its air. Thor's presence, while unjustifiable, is improbable in the scenario Tony had created in his head. He somehow feels like the room isn't closing in anymore, and he can breathe without feeling like his lungs are in a vice. "Thor?" he mutters and his face-plate retracts again. The tension slowly leaves his body and he powers down his weapons. 

 

The room doesn't feel suffocating anymore as everyone stands a little taller, not afraid to get blown to smithereens. The snide voice is a whisper in the back of his head: _ "What if it _ is _ all your fault?"  _  He ignores the voice and growls, "What _ was _ that?"

 

\--

 

He doesn't get an answer right away. Instead, everyone kind of takes a collective breath, and Rocket and Peter both take turns berating Tony for almost killing them. Steve steps in, reminding them of the fight in New York and that he could have trauma from that -- just like he has trauma from being in the ice for 70 years. Peter just glares at Tony, and, if he's honest with himself, he doesn't really blame him for it. If he were standing where Peter is, he'd be angry that an ex that everyone thought was dead simply decided to reenter Steve's life. _ (Is he an ex? Was their relationship like that in this timeline?) _ In the end, surprisingly, it's Thor who talks sense into everyone and they make their way down the tunnel to yet another big cave-like room. Tony pops his ears and wonders how far down they are. He sees a few familiar faces -- Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Peter Parker, and James Rhodes -- as thy step into the room. They're sitting at a table with a few _ un _ familiar faces.

 

Everyone looks up when they walk in and Parker balks. "Mr Stark?" He jumps out of his seat and rushes at Tony, wrapping his arms around him. Tony feels himself relax a little; it's been a long while since Parker had given him a true hug -- and the last time he'd hugged him with such emotion was after his aunt had passed six years ago. He rests one hand, strong and comforting, on Parker`s shoulder blade. The boy tries to say something but it doesn't really work, so Tony just lets him hang on. It makes him miss his Peter Parker, and he feels guilty for not being there more.

 

"Not the Tony you think I am," he answers softly as Steve gently pries Parker away. Parker wipes his eyes as discreetly as he can get away with, which is not very. Tony's not sure this is going to be an easy thing to explain, so he's hoping that everyone who needs to know is already there. Thor, Steve, and Peter all take seats. Reluctantly, Parker also goes back to his seat, with an encouraging pat on the arm from Tony. Rocket points to a chair and opts to sit on the table instead. Tony takes the offered chair. "But I'm not answering anything until someone explains what happened back there."

 

Rhodes nods, while everyone else is surprised or confused. "Thanos."

 

Tony narrows his eyes. "I keep hearing that name but I don't know it," he snaps, annoyed despite himself. There's still something claustrophobic about the place; it's probably the fact that it's a _ cave, _ and he's not entirely sure how they're keeping their oxygen supply. Shouldn't the door cut it off? Is there another exit? If there is, why isn't this place infiltrated with those demon things on the surface?

 

"There _ was _ the beginning of an explanation," Rocket reminds him and Tony makes a somewhat remorseful sound to tell him that he remembers. "He's this big, scary, purple alien who's absolutely hellbent on wiping out at least half of the universe's population. I dunno all his motives -- never cared to. He killed my friend and I want him gone."

 

"What we went through is pretty normal these days," Clint says somberly. If Tony thought he looked tired after New York, he's twice that now. He looks like he's seen and felt too much and is beyond ready to sleep the rest of his life away. "Twice a day, Thanos uses the Reality Stone on everyone on Earth. I guess he didn't like the fact that we all stood up to him, and taking half of us away wasn't enough. It's sort of a punishment. We don't know how it works, exactly, because everyone sees different things. But he seems to be able to prey on our fears, and that's what we see."

 

A shudder goes down Tony's spine. Peter's reaction makes sense, and Steve's warning is even more ominous. "How long have you been living like this?" he finds himself asking softly.

"Six months, two weeks, three days, and counting," Clint answers without skipping a beat, running a hand over his face. Of course he's counting.

 

Tony rests his forehead in the palm of his hand; his skull feels like it's splitting in two. Focusing is getting increasingly difficult. He still gives it a go. "So, this Thanos guy... How did we not beat him? I mean, we won in New York and the odds were ridiculously against us then. _ And _ we won with just the Avengers and Strange."

 

"Your timeline is..." Steve starts but trails off and Tony doesn't have to look up to know that his brow is furrowed. "Thanos procured a gauntlet that allowed him to wield all the Infinity Stones. He can do whatever he wants. We kept getting derailed and never managed to get the gauntlet before he got all the stones."

 

Tony looks at Steve and it takes him an embarrassingly long time to connect all the dots. The Reality Stone must be like the Time Stone. And there must be quite a few Stones like them. He blinks slowly. "So...what happened to the rest of the team?"

 

Everyone looks to be a varying degree of uncomfortable. "We assume dead," Bruce finally says when no one is forthcoming with an answer. "They just vanished in a plume of dust..." He sounds pretty broken and Tony regrets asking.

 

"And that's where we stand," Parker concludes, aiming high for a light tone but falling terribly short. "Now it's your turn to tell us where you came from."

 

Tony sputters a moment. Between the now almost blinding migraine and the holes he's found riddling the two timelines, he's having an _ extremely _ hard time piecing anything together. Does he start with New York? Or how his own demons had come back to drag him from his son and husband? Does he start with why he started the prototype? Or when the prototype decided to take over? Instead of attempting anything, he finds himself staring at the table, running over his life like a film behind his eyes. Steve finally breaks through the silence with a concerned, "Tony?"

 

He closes his eyes and presses the heels of his hands into them. He feels like the pain is pretty well deserved by this point. "I can't. I don't know how to start and I don't know how to explain what's happened -- what I've done -- all this time travel shit. And I haven't slept in three, probably closer to four, days now. My head hurts so bad, I feel like it might just explode. I'm honestly surprised that I managed to get that much of a thought strung together." And he really is. He has a really high pain tolerance but this is pushing his limit.

 

"Useless," Rocket grumbles bitterly as Thor says brightly, "He can use my quarters! I require much less sleep."

 

"We haven't noticed," Parker drawls, somewhere between amused and annoyed. Tony's never heard him sound so... _ old _ . He wonders vaguely what fear comes to life for him and dismisses the thought quickly. 

 

Bruce pipes up with the words that have been hiding in the shadows of every thought in Tony's head since 1942: "Are you sure that headache isn't a side effect of the time travelling you've been doing? How many jumps have you made? What if it's a sign of degeneration? How long have you had the headache?" He's in full-on science mode as he stands and comes over to start checking Tony's vitals.

 

"Shouldn't be," Tony says hesitantly. The truth is, he _ doesn't _ know. As he runs the idea through his head, he knows that all his theories are weak and far-fetched because he's in pain and _ scared _ . What if he _ is _ dying? What if he never gets home to his Steve? Never gets to apologize for everything?

 

Bruce scoffs at him. " _ That's _ you're answer?" Tony shrugs, starting to wish he'd never said anything at all about the headache. Bruce stands up properly, staring Tony down. "Let's rule out sleep deprivation first."

 

\--

 

Tony does end up in Thor's room and, after retracting the Iron Man suit into a watch, falls asleep quickly. It's the waking up part that's hard. It's not because he's still tired and it's just physically difficult to keep his eyes open. It's because he wakes in a panic, and looks around wildly. His heart is pounding rapidly, blood rushing in his ears, and his breathing is short and quick. There's not a rational thought in his head -- which still hurts, just not as horribly as before. There's a soft knock at the door and it swooshes open shortly after. Steve steps inside, eyes falling instantly on Tony's face. He reads the panic there and almost backs out. Tony can taste the bitter memory of his last panic attack on the back of his tongue like bile. "Please don't," he whimpers pathetically, uncertain if he wants to curl up or reach out. He just doesn't want to be alone.

Steve hesitates and then walks to him, the door closing automatically. He reaches out and touches his hand to the side of Tony's neck. "You stopped sleeping after New York for awhile there because of your nightmares..." he mumbles with slight affection lacing each word. "I'd be there when you woke to help you calm down, but eventually... You just hated the fear too much..." He runs his thumb across his jawline. Tony can feel his heart rate slow down. "You got most of the nightmares to leave, before...everything..."

 

"Everything?" Tony asks quietly, staring up at him. This isn't the Steve he knows. _ His _ Steve doesn't hesitate, is always clean-shaven, and doesn't look _ nearly _ as tired. It seems everyone here is tired.

 

Steve lets his hand fall, and he seems to come to the same conclusion Tony has: they're just pining after shadows of each other here. "How's your head?" The brunette simply shrugs. "We should have Banner check you out. Then we can talk."

 

Tony really doesn't want to. He wants to keep talking to Steve, find out what this "everything" is. But Steve has obviously made up his mind and Tony's not about to change it. So he follows the blond out and to Banner's room, which is some sort of mash-up of a bedroom and a makeshift lab. Banner looks up as they enter, hopefully asking, "How's your headache?"

 

"Improved," Tony answers, shoving his hands into his trouser pocket as he strolls around the room and looks around. While his headache has dulled, it's not gone. His hands are still shaky from the panic attack, or that's what he's going to say it's from. "How do you work in here?" He spins around once just to take it all in. It's not disorganized, just a small space. He'd be driven mad if this is all he had to work in.

 

Bruce catches his arm and shines a light into his eyes. "But not gone..." he mumbles, ignoring Tony's startled protest. "Steve tried his best to explain how you were jumping time without the Time Stone, except that you didn't really tell him. So how did you do it? And how many jumps have you made?"

 

"This is the second," Tony admits before explaining how he'd come up with the idea and how he'd managed to get it to work, how many long nights he'd spent trying to figure it out. Bruce listens intently as he checks all his vitals -- again -- and scribbles on a piece of paper. It's nice to talk to someone who understands all the words coming out of his mouth. He loves Steve, but when it comes to technology, he's learned a lot of patience. 

 

After a little bit of back and forth clarifications, Bruce turns to Steve, "We'll be done in a few minutes. Where do you want me to drop him off?" 

 

Steve narrows his eyes. He and Tony both know that whatever Bruce has to say, it's not good. He's trying to be nice, save Steve in a way. And for a second, Tony's not sure that the blond will comply. The Steve he knew wouldn't have, for various reasons. "The conference room," he finally manages. He gives Tony a look that the brunette doesn't have time to assess before he leaves.

 

"Am I dying?" Tony asks bluntly, because he feels like that might be a distinct possibility.

Bruce takes his glasses off with a sigh. "I don't know. The problem with what you're doing is that it's not stable." He sits on the end of his bed and watches Tony pace. "I'm not a proponent of time travel anyway, but at least the Stone provided some sort of safe passage for the user. What you're doing..."

 

"Is probably tearing me apart, from the inside out," Tony interrupts shortly. "Don't sugar coat anything. I made this mess for myself and I need the facts to get out of it."

 

Bruce runs a hand down his face. " _ Can _ you get out?"

 

"I just need one more jump. Just the one that will take me home," Tony answers, stopping in front of his friend. "I don't even know what happened. I don't know if there will be anyone there waiting for me, but I _ need _ to know. Help me get there."

 

There's a rather deafening silence as Bruce just stares at the floor between them. "I might be able to get you a more accurate jump... But that's the last one you get. If you jump any more after that, I can't promise that you won't kill yourself."

 

Tony nods and takes the watch off his wrist. "That's more than I can do."

 

"What were you doing, messing with something you don't even understand?" Bruce inquires as Tony activates the suit. "And _ testing _ it? On _ yourself _ ? Are you crazy?"

 

"A little," Tony mumbles, running a hand over the front of the suit. "I messed up, Bruce... I just wanted to take it all back, fix it..." His voice cracks a little and he clears his throat, looking away from the suit. "I should go talk to Rogers and then I'll be back to help get this done." Bruce doesn't argue, though it looks like wants to. He stands and leads Tony down the hall and back out to the main room where he'd met everyone. Some of the people are still gathered there; Peter and Rocket both give him dirty looks as he passes. A short hallway later, the space opens up again to an even larger room than the one they'd previously left. Everyone's superhero suits are hanging along the cavern walls -- Spiderman, Captain America, Thor's hammer and some of his armor, and a few others he can't place. In the center of the room is a table and Steve is sitting at it, reading something on what looks to be a tablet. He grunts out a thanks to Bruce before the man leaves and he walks to sit across from the blond. "Jane Austen?" he asks jokingly and nods at the tablet.

 

Steve just frowns deeper. "What did Banner have to say about your health?" he counters, pushing the tablet aside. He should have known that jokes weren't going to work. They never have.

 

Tony leans back in his chair. "Nothing definitive. But I only have one jump left before the consequences really take their toll on my body." He shrugs nonchalantly. "I've almost died at least three times. I think it's a sign -- I'm just stuck here, pissing everyone off, for eternity."

That does earn him a snort from Steve, who crosses his arms over his chest and sits back. He looks a little more relaxed now. "You can only defy Death so many times before he succeeds, Tone."

 

There's a nostalgic pang in Tony's chest at the nickname and he rolls his eyes. "Don't call me that. Also, I walk on the edge of his scythe at all times. When it happens, it happens." Steve shakes his head with a sigh. "So what was the 'everything' you alluded to earlier? I know what it means in _ my _ timeline but yours is a lot more interesting."

 

"I'd like to know the differences between the two," Steve says after a moment. "There's probably a lot." Tony makes a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat and the blond takes a deep breath. "I dunno... I guess it's just easier to start from when we met. It was the Avengers Initiative and we met intercepting Loki..." And he goes off, telling him about the battles with Loki and how he almost kissed Tony when he woke up after falling from a black hole. He tells him how he tried to offer help with the Mandarin and Tony refused it. He talks about how Banner and Tony had messed up, creating Ultron, and how Steve and Tony's relationship had become strained after that. He tells Tony about how he'd found his best friend from before he'd become Captain America and how angry Tony had been. He says that it was that, combined with the argument about a Registration Act, that ultimately tore him and Tony apart. And he talks about what everyone was calling the "Infinity War"; Tony hears the regret about how he had never really talked to Tony about everything before he supposedly died. He obviously had wanted to, but neither had picked up the phone. 

 

What Tony finds most interesting is the idea that Steve is talking about their relationship with an underlying passion, but it all sounds like they were just really good friends. After listening to Steve narrate the War, and how they lost, Tony decides to ask about it, "Just one clarification." Steve raises his eyebrows and nods slightly. "So we were never _ together _ ? You said that you were there when I woke up from nightmares."

 

Steve smiles slightly and rubs the back of his neck. "I didn't really have anywhere to go so I was staying in Stark Tower for awhile. I'd hear you when you woke yourself up and I'd go to your room to help calm you down. But, no, we've only ever been friends."

 

Tony studies Steve for a moment and states, "You wanted more than friendship, though."

 

His first instinct is to protest, and then he thinks better of it. This isn't the same Tony he knew. "Yes, I did," he finally admits, voice rather small. "You were invested in your relationship with Pepper, though, and I've never been the kind of person to want to step between a guy and his girl for any reason." He pauses and then decides to press on. "I ended up with a short relationship with Natasha -- she was really supportive when I found Bucky again. It didn't work, though. Mostly just because our demons kinda pulled us apart."

 

"When did you and Peter decide to give it a go?" Tony asks. His mind is whirring, trying to fit everything into a timeline he doesn't understand.

 

Steve shrugs slightly. "A few weeks after the War ended, I guess. It just kind of...progressed. Like, it started with conversations and just...kept going." He smiles, and it's not the tired or strained smile Tony's seen since he arrived. And, damn, if that doesn't hurt. "He's kinda crazy, but it's fun to be around him. I keep him grounded, and he keeps me smiling. It's a weird thing, something I didn't think would work. It does, though, beautifully." He looks up at Tony and makes a decision. "I still had feelings for you, and the idea that you'd died before I could say anything tore me up. He'd been in a relationship with a woman, Gamora, who had died in the beginning of the War. We were both confronted with the reality that we wouldn't see the people we cared so much for ever again and, as unhealthy as it sounds, it helped us grow closer together. We talked a lot about it, and about futures we'd never be able to see. Every day, we help each other cope and move on, and we've learned to love again. I don't know where either of us would be if we hadn't met..." Tony can feel his stomach coil. It makes sense, and he has no _ real _ problem with it -- especially when he reminds himself that this isn't his timeline. But the idea that Steve, in _ any _ timeline, can move on so easily makes him feel so small and insignificant. "So...What kind of differences does your timeline have?" Steve interrupts his thoughts gently.

 

"Pretty much all of it," Tony responds easily and cracks a smile that makes Steve laugh. "I found you about twenty or so years ago, about eight years after starting the Avengers. I don't even remember why... I think I was investigating rumors of another hero that lived in the water somewhere over in Antarctica... But, anyway, you were a pretty significant force in my life when you woke up. You helped me out of a depression and we ran the Avengers together. Our relationship went from 'friends' to 'lovers' to 'partners' pretty fast. I proposed to you once five years after we met, but you turned me down because gay marriage wasn't legalized yet. I wasn't even mad about it, actually. I just kept the ring for when I could ask again. The Avengers had small battles, but the real reason I'd even started it was because Thor had come to me after I got rid of Stane and redid my company. I had ended up on his radar because of my work on the Iron Man suits and he was worried about his brother's plans. He told me that Loki was planning something, and it involved Earth. 

 

"So, the Avengers had their first real test as a team when Loki attacked Earth after enslaving an entire race -- and I told you all about that part. Nothing really to add... Except that I proposed to you again a few weeks after and you accepted that time. We adopted Peter Parker shortly after, because of an accident involving his aunt..." He pauses because he's starting to realize what he's doing. He's keeping everything simple, not talking about all the problems. He hasn't admitted all the reasons he's here. Slowly, he says, "Lemme backtrack a bit... There was one similarity in our timelines. I _ did _ get angry and tell the Mandarin where I lived. It was before New York, though, and you were furious. We were living together; I put both of our lives in jeopardy because I was temporarily angry. I guess that's where things really hit me... I've never talked much about how I felt, and that's probably the real reason you didn't accept the proposal first time -- you weren't entirely _ sure _ how I felt. You were mad at me because I've been in and out of alcoholism so many times... I kept telling you that 'this is it' and I'd fall back on it again when things got too hard for me..." He runs a hand down his face. This hurts more than he wants to admit. "I think you only accepted the proposal the second time because you were trying to salvage things between us. There was part of me that really only proposed a second time because I wanted you to promise that you wouldn't leave, even when I keep screwing up. The incident with the Mandarin was kind of just a...a _ marker _ for me. It was the first red flag that we were in dangerous territory, that our relationship might not make it... And it didn't. It kept falling and sliding. I know why you agreed to adopt Peter. You were trying to help him and you were, again, trying to save our relationship." Tony snorts. "I was afraid I'd be too much like my father and backed down. And I just sat back and watched things fall apart between us..." He shakes his head, unable to find the words to keep going.

 

Steve waits a beat and then gently asks, "Is that why you created the suit? The one that can time travel?" Tony hesitates and then nods. "That's a terrible idea."

 

"I know," Tony whispers brokenly. "I just... I traced everything back but I couldn't pin the exact moment when things started falling apart. I wanted to go back and look, see what it was that had set everything in a domino effect. And I wanted to _ fix _ it. I wanted to step in and fix the problem and when I got home, everything would be better. We'd be fine..." He hides his face because it all hurts and he's afraid he's going to start crying. "And I just screwed up more. I left after an argument. You were going to sleep on the couch and I just... I _ knew _ that that was going to be it. You might as well have just set the ring on the table because that's what you were saying. And I was angry because you weren't _ wrong _ ." Steve's silent for a few minutes, just watching Tony try to hold himself together. "Anyway..." He sighs shakily. "That's about where things stand. Not too many huge battles since Loki..."

 

"Just a lot of internal battles," Steve supplies softly. Tony hesitates and then nods. Steve thinks he looks rather _ destroyed _ . "All I'd ever wanted was for you to talk to me..." he finally says, pursing his lips. "Just to tell me how you really felt, would have been better than anything else. All that silence, that anger... The whole time, I just wanted you to pick up the phone and talk to me. I needed the words, even if they were the ones I didn't want to hear. Tell me, in your time, that you love me and that would be a start. It would show me that everything _ could _ heal...

Tony shakes his head, looking up at the blond. "You're always too good," he mumbles, biting the inside of his cheek. "I'm always so inadequate up against the people I love..."

 

"You built a suit that can jump time because you wanted to save our relationship," Steve reminds him as soon as the words are out of his mouth. "That's _ more _ than adequate."

 

The lines are blurring and Tony's _ sure _ he's going to do something stupid if he doesn't leave. He stands abruptly and says, "I need to go help Banner with the suit." He leaves the room at a brisk walk, passing Peter on his way and pretending he doesn't see the rather betrayed look on his face.

 

\--

 

It takes ten hours. It probably would have taken Tony twice that if he'd been alone. The problem when Bruce walks out on an argument is still the landing; neither can agree on how to fix it. Tony rests both hands beside his suit on the table, leaning over it with a deep frown. He's frustrated, and a little scared. If he can't make this jump properly... He doesn't let himself think about the consequence. He just stares at the suit, willing it to tell him what needs to be done. "I don't think it'll put itself back together if you stare at it long enough," an obnoxious voice says from the doorway and he looks up to see Rocket wandering in. "What are you stuck on?"

 

"I don't think you can help," Tony tells him, mostly because it's still really unnerving to see a raccoon talk. The animals are dangerous enough without being armed -- which this one is.

Rocket scoffs and hops up onto the table. "Try me." He leans over the suit and starts inspecting it.

 

Tony sighs, figuring the creature isn't going to just walk away because he refuses to say anything. "I can't figure out how to get the suit to recognize a specific jump. I need to input a specific time and... Bruce says that the command needs to come from here--" He points to a section of the suit "--and I, who actually designed the suit, think it needs to come from here." He points to a different section of the suit.

 

Rocket stares at the suit and then up at Tony like he's missing too many bolts. "Are you kidding? Lemme just share a secret that I learned in the trade: use technology to your best advantage and bypass all the unnecessary stuff. Just hook it up to your brain, ya moron."

 

"Excuse me, what trade are we talking about?" Tony asks defensively, narrowing his eyes. "And I don't have tech like that. It's dangerous."

 

"Like time travelling without the Stone _ isn't _ ?" Rocket snorts in amusement and starts digging around in his vest. "Luckily for you, I come prepared. Listen, I come from a planet of criminals. Not that I was one. I kept them there. But I learned a lot of stuff from them, and it's all useful. Well, most of it. Some of it is just shit I can't forget." He pulls out a few wires and nodes and starts tinkering with them. "So, this tech isn't all that dangerous compared to what you've been doing. You just gotta know what you're doing." He points a thumb to himself. "And you have an _ expert _ right here."

 

Tony raises an eyebrow. "You expect me to believe that?"

 

Rocket gives him something between a grimace and a smile. "I'm listening for better ideas." Tony can't come up with anything, not even a snarky response. "Thought so. Anyway, you just connect this to a few key points and it picks up your brainwaves and -- I dunno, it gets pretty complicated from there, a lot of technical mumbo jumbo. But I use it. A lot of the weapons I use are connected to my nervous system. Cool shit." He untangles the mess he's working on and offers four nodes up to Tony. "Two on the base of your neck, on either side of your spine. The other two go on your forehead."

 

"And that's it?" Tony asks as he hesitantly takes the offered nodes.

 

In a rather mocking tone, Rocket answers, "No, I gotta connect it to your suit." He shakes his head and mutters to himself as he starts combining the wires into the suit. "I heard down the vine that you're doing this because of love or something like that. You know that's the dumbest motivation, right?" Tony opens his mouth to protest; he's already heard it from both his father and Steve and he's not up for another lecture. But Rocket doesn't let him even make a _ sound _ . "It's dumb because you make mistakes. Rookie mistakes. Like not being able to control your jumps. You rush a lot, don't take the time you need to make proper decisions. And, in the end, the pain is still the same -- sometimes it's just physical, not emotional." He clicks his tongue. "This thing is a disaster. I got it, though. You should clean up your work when you get back, refine it. Jeez. Felt like I was working in a junk yard in there." He taps the suit with a paw. "I disabled the time thingamajig for now. Try controlling the suit with your head first. I wanna make sure you get the gist." Tony wonders at the little creature in front of him. He thought _ he _ talked a lot, but he feels proven horrifically wrong. He huffs and reaches to retract the suit so he can put it on -- and is shocked despite himself when the suit starts folding around him. "Beautiful," Rocket says almost reverently. "Most people fuck up the first try."

 

"That was pretty cool," Tony admits reluctantly. As the suit closes around him, he excitedly tries his boosters and then his reactors. "Oh man, why haven't I tried this yet?"

 

Rocket clears his throat, obviously proud of himself. "I think you uttered the word _ 'dangerous' _ . What did I tell ya? I'm an expert!"

 

Tony looks at the raccoon and reluctantly mumbles, "Hey, Rocket?" When he's sure he has his attention, he says, "Thanks."

 

Unabashed, Rocket replies, "My pleasure." It's a rather sickly sweet tone and his toothy grin looks a bit menacing as he turns as heads for the door. Tony glances around the room one last time, vowing to never take his own lab for granted again. After he gets thing sorted with Steve, he decides, he'll clean up his lab for once. He runs his fingertips over the table his suit had just been sitting on and finds an odd sense of satisfaction in the metal-on-metal scraping sounds it produces. Rocket clicks his tongue again as he vanishes down the hall.

 

There's something inside him that is both relieved and terrified at the idea that _ this _ could be it. He might be going home. His hands are shaking harder as he follows Rocket.

 

\--

 

Stepping into the conference cavern one last time feels daunting. He knows it's the last time, at least in this timeline. He hopes he'll never come back because the exhaustion everyone else feels is wearing on him, too. Bruce looks worried and a little annoyed as he steps up to Tony. "Have you tested it? I mean, _ really tested _ it. Rocket might be brilliant but it's a..." He hesitates, glancing slightly over his shoulder. "Are you sure it'll work?"

 

He's not, but he has faith in the crazy creature who retrofitted his suit for him. "I'll be fine," he says, instead of actually lying. The furrow in Steve's brows tells him that he knows better. "Fix me up, Rocket."

 

Rocket, looking a little over excited, hops over and starts scaling his suit. "Man, if this works, you gotta find me and tell me about it. Give me the specs. I'll be rich..." He keeps mumbling as he starts fiddling around with the suit again.

 

"This better work," is said by both Quill and Steve at the same time, with opposite intonations, and the exact same threat attached.

 

It's such a strange feeling in his chest. He hasn't been here very long, yet he feels like he could belong here. He could fit in quite nicely, if necessary. On the one hand, he doesn't want to leave. Though he could never have the same relationship with Steve as he does in his own timeline, he thinks that they could have a very _ great  _ friendship. It bothers him a little bit, to think that he and Steve might get along better as friends than as partners. But he's excited, on that same note, to go home and fix things between him and Steve. Because he _ wants _ to, so very desperately. He wants to spend time with Peter, and show him that he can be a good father.  Rocket hops off of him with a toothy grin. "Fire it up. Let's watch this puppy in action," he announces as he eagerly rubs his paws together. 

 

He doesn't meet anyone's eyes, afraid to lose his focus. Instead, he _ closes _ his eyes and imagines the Steve and Peter he left behind. He thinks of where he was, where he wants to be, and feels the familiar tug in his bellybutton. 


	2. Two

He doesn't open his eyes right away. Instead, he turns his head to the right and vomits. It helps relieve the rolling in his stomach, but the pounding in his head gets worse. "JARVIS," he croaks, his throat feeling rather raw. "Retract the suit." He forgets that it's actually his brain that does the work. Nevertheless, it retracts into a watch on his wrist that he takes off and throws somewhere to his right. He doesn't hear where it lands because all he can hear is some sort of alarm going. It makes his headache worse. After a moment of just sitting, trying to get his head to stop spinning, he opens his eyes and looks around his lab. The alarm is a fire alarm. He rocks back on his heels, and finds that his whole body is aching.

 

"Mr Stark?" a worried voice calls from the stairs and Peter follows shortly after. His expression is full of concern as he stops at the bottom of the stairs and glances around. "Are you OK, Mr Stark?"

 

Tony stands up slowly. "I...I think so..." He's a bit wobbly, but he feels like he can walk.

Steve isn't far behind Peter, stopping halfway down the stairs to look around. "Of all the things to malfunction, the fire alarms are the thing? Really?" And his breath catches in his throat and his heart stutters and he just _stares_ . For a brief moment, he feels like he made it and it's all going to be alright. But then he sees _it_ and the whole picture shatters. Something's wrong. He used his last chance and blew it. He's not home. This is different. _Steve is different._ In the center of his chest, barely seen under his thick cotton T-shirt, is a faint glow. "Tony?"

 

"JARVIS, turn off the alarms," Tony calls to the room, feeling sick again.

 

The alarms cut and Steve heads down the rest of the stairs. He glances at the scene in front of him, and then turns to Peter. "Go start getting ready for school," he says softly and pats his arm in encouragement. Peter hesitates, then nods, and heads back up the stairs. Steve waits for the door upstairs to close before he rounds on Tony. "Have you been drinking again? Is that why you're down here still?"

 

"What time is it?" Tony offers, because Steve's accusations feel familiar and his question is practically automatic.

 

Steve walks over to him, assessing the damage. "Almost five in the morning," he answers curtly and Tony looks around himself. Besides the mess on his right, across the room is the screwdriver he'd thrown earlier, and, ironically, the watch is pretty damn close to it. His lab is the same wild mess it was before he left -- a few projects started on various surfaces all around. He feels like his world is tilting a little. "Tony. Answer me. Have you been drinking?"

 

Tony swallows around the lump in his throat. "No." He turns back to Steve and touches the light coming from his chest. Steve instinctively backs up a step, but Tony knows what he felt and it felt too similar to the Arc Reactor. "What is that? Where did it come from?"

 

Steve looks somewhere between annoyed and concerned. "You made it, Tony... After the battle in New York, when Loki reversed the serum. You came up with a solution to keep me alive, based on the notes from your dad. Is that what this is about? I thought we`d talked about this..."

 

He doesn't actually have to say anymore because the implication is there. Steve is dying and that little thing in his chest isn't going to keep him alive forever. It hurts, more than he ever thought anything could hurt. Because he feels like everything he just went through, the strain his body is feeling from those trips, was for close to nothing. As far as he can tell, everything is the same here except that Steve is dying and he can't think of a damn thing to fix that. "Steve, I'm so sorry..." What is he supposed to do now? He feels overwhelmed and let down and absolutely heartbroken. "I tried so hard, but it was all selfish. I shouldn't have built that thing. I should have just sucked it up and talked to you and you'd be fine. I love you, _so much_. I... I can't believe I was stupid enough to not to say that in the first place." He knows he's crying, but since it's not hysterics, he can't bring himself to care much. "I'm sorry I haven't been there. I've been so afraid of losing you, that I haven't even tried to keep you close. I've been so afraid of being my father, I haven't even tried to be one at all to Peter. I don't deserve you and I know that and I`m sorry I'm not more. I'm sorry it's taken so damn long to say anything... I really don't want to lose you, Steve, even if I know I don't deserve you."

 

Steve looks rightfully taken aback, but he recovers rather quickly and his demeanor softens tremendously. He sighs quietly and says, "A few hours ago, I felt that nothing would change my mind. I felt like it was all too late, that we'd built our walls and they were the obstacles between us." He crosses his arms, uncertainty written in all his lines. "What did you build that you regret? The reversal of the serum wasn't your fault, and I really hope you haven't been carrying that around this whole time."

 

Tony takes a moment to really look at Steve, find all the differences. But the similarities draw him in, wrap around his heart like live wires, and he can't distance himself from the situation. He doesn't want to, not really. "I don't know about the serum reversal," he admits quietly. It feels so important, like something he should know and he's letting Steve down by not. Which, in a sense, is entirely true. "I built an Iron Man suit that could time travel. That's what all those late nights were for. That's what I was talking to you about, pretending you cared about. After our argument, I came down here and fell asleep. The alarms woke me up, but before I could even identify what they were, I was in the suit and whisked off to another timeline. This one is exactly the same, except you weren't dying before I left. At least, not physically." He wants Steve to know that he'd been paying attention. That even though he never talked much, and never knew the depth of pain he`s been causing, he knows he`s been causing pain. "I wanted to go back, find what went wrong, and fix it."

 

It takes Steve a moment of contemplation. To see Tony in such a state sober is a new experience for him. After too many drinks, Steve would often find him curled up in his lab somewhere. Between the guilt and the PTSD, Tony would normally be in hysterics when he finally tracked him down. Yet, here he is now, painfully tearing down his barriers and reaching a tired hand toward him. And Steve doesn't exactly know what to so. Part of him wants to reject the plea out of anger. He's tried so hard to help him for so long, to no avail. Part of him wants to climb over the rubble and cradle him close. He's waited so long to have an honest and vulnerable moment with his husband. In the end, he decides to meet him halfway and takes the invisible hand. "I've wanted to give up so many times, Tony... I want a relationship again, like the one we had in the beginning. You used to let me hold you, and you'd talk all the time. Suddenly, all that was gone. I've never known if it was something I'd done..."

 

Tony knows what Steve is talking about, and the moment he'd been looking for is cast into stark clarity. It violently strikes him just how ironic the whole situation is -- the problem he was trying to find, he couldn't find without talking to Steve; and by talking to Steve, the problem could potentially be rectified. He feels like the wind has been knocked from him. "It wasn't anything you did. It was my reaction to something you said," he says in a daze. Post-apocalyptic Steve wanted nothing more than for Tony to talk, even if the words he spoke weren't the ones he wanted to hear. This Steve is asking for the same. And so he just talks. "It was the first time you said you loved me. I didn't understand why you loved me. How many times did you tell me I was selfish or arrogant? How many times did you tell me how screwed up I was? And you loved me? What did you love? I wanted to live up to that, to feel worthy of that. To me, that meant to be stronger. And strength to me meant to conceal any weaknesses. But that decision backed me into a corner. After so many near-death experiences, I started to devalue my life and it caused a lot of anxiety. And drinking to drown my anxiety..." He takes a shaky breath. There's more to say, but he can't find those words anymore. He scrubs at his eyes with one hand and mentally curses himself. "I've always just wanted to be more for you."

 

Steve's glad that he seems to have some sense left in his brain, because otherwise his jaw would have been on the floor. He feels stunned. "You've never known why I love you?" Tony shakes his head rather pitifully. "That's partially my fault, then, because I thought you knew." He takes a deep breath and lets loose. "I fell in love with your strength to overcome. I always admired how you overcame obstacles. I love your smiles, the real ones that come when you're not expecting them and they're so genuine. Even the broken ones that are genuine. I love them, even though they're so rare now. I've stood by you, trying to be your support beam so you can keep overcoming. I used to love being part of your process, when you'd use me as a soundboard. You used to be so amused by how baffled I got. And then you slowly just started shutting me out. Even these past few weeks, trying to get me excited about this new suit... It was just passion without reason to me. I've stuck with you, seeing pieces of everything I've fallen in love with and feeling like I've been chasing shadows." He takes a small step forward. "After New York, I felt closer to you than I have in years. You pored over your father's notes, you took blood samples from me, you asked me to tell you anything and everything that I could remember from the administration of the serum to how it worked for me. And then you just clammed up again and I've felt so scared and alone. And I've been angry with you because I've needed you and you have been nowhere near me." He closes the space between them, but hesitates in reaching for Tony. The glows of their reactors mingle, cast shadows on each other's faces, and fill the empty space between them. "I still love you, Tony. And I so desperately need you right now, for whatever time I have left..."

 

It's Tony who finally reaches out, resting a hand on Steve's cheek. "I lost myself in myself and I've never been more sorry for it..." This might be a slightly different timeline, but it's close enough to where he was before that it's home in his heart. Painful, but it's home. And he needs to be here. To face every single demon he'd created in his life and finally be there for Steve and Peter when they needed him most. They rest their foreheads together and the sounds of their broken breathing are all there is in the room. "I love you, Steve."

 

\--

 

It's been three weeks, Peter thinks as he sits beside his bedroom door. He's not sure that his adoptive dad has stopped crying since the funeral. He can't blame him. His own heartbeat hurts these days. He closes his eyes, listening to Tony attempt to calm himself down after another nightmare. He wants to do something for Tony, to help him. He's already formed a plan in his head; he's just been unsure of when to execute it. Plus, he's not too great with words and he's pretty sure he needs a lot of them for what he wants to do. Tonight just feels like the right night, somehow.

 

He quietly stands up and goes to his window, sliding it open. He climbs out the window and scales the wall. They've lived in New York for years because it's closer to his friends. Steve always hated the place; he loved the house in Malibu and said it was because it felt more like a house. Stark Tower, admittedly, does feel more like a business building than a house but Peter sort of likes it. He thinks he might want to convince Tony to move to the Malibu house after he graduates, though. For Steve.

 

He goes to the roof and picks his next target building, determining the quickest route to the New York sanctum. He's still not positive how he wants to word everything, or if it will even matter in the end. He's sort of just mulling it over as he swings through New York.

When he arrives at the sanctum, it's quiet and still. He slips inside and peers around what he affectionately deems is the foyer. After a moment, the hair on his left arm stands on end and every nerve on his left side tingles. "What are you doing here?" a deep voice quips from behind his left shoulder.

 

Peter spins around. "Doctor Strange! I... I wasn't sure you were in." It's not his fault the man is so intimidating. But Strange doesn't have the patience of a saint, so he jumps right in. "I came to ask for a favor..."

 

Strange makes a face of suspicion and slowly asks, "What kind of favor?"

 

This is the part that Peter hasn't been able to get down. He doesn't quite know what to say that will make this man understand him. "A favor for my father..." Strange scoffs and turns away. "No, please. You don't understand! It's been killing him and I just feel so awful. I can't do anything, but I thought maybe you could. I don't know exactly what but--"

 

Strange doesn't let him finish. He snaps back to face Peter with a sharp twist of his body. "Tony Stark took Steve Rogers for granted. It was only in the last six months of his life that he made any effort. And you're coming to me with their sob story in hand to make it all right? You're barking up the wrong tree, Parker."

 

Peter glares at him. "You don't know Tony Stark! You don't get everything he's been through!"

"And you do?" Strange`s voice is dripping with sarcasm. "He's brought the suffering onto himself and I owe him nothing."

 

This isn't working the way he thought it would and Peter`s getting frustrated. "Then what about me? Will you help me?" Strange blinks slowly at him so he presses on. "After my uncle, Steve has been the greatest father figure in my life. Sure, Mr Stark has been flighty, but I know he means well. He always comes back. He always looks out for me. And he's all I have left and he's tearing himself apart. I don't understand everything that happened after New York, but half of Mr Stark's problems have been from guilt. I need him, and it hurts me to see him like this. Isn't there anything you can do? Give him a glimpse of Steve somewhere or let him talk to past Steve? Anything? For the scared little kid who just wants his dad to be OK again?" He doesn't want to cry but his voice cracks with emotion anyway. "Please?"

 

Strange stares at him for several long moments and the silence is deafening. Finally, Strange clicks his tongue. "I might be able to think of something... Now go home."

 

Peter decides not to look a gift horse in the mouth and immediately turns toward the door. "Thank-you so much, Doctor Strange!" he cries as he steps outside. He gets no response. The doors close behind him and he starts home again.

 

\--

 

It's somewhere around nine in the morning and the day finds Tony locked in his lab again. Peter`s at school, so he has time to kill. He sighs, asking JARVIS to play through a section of notes again. He should have the algorithm down by now. He looks up at a flash of light and Doctor Strange steps through one of his magic portals. The man looks a little annoyed, but Tony's pretty sure that's his normal facial expression. "Uh, can I help you?" he asks blankly.

Strange looks him over critically and inquires, "When was the last time you slept?" He raises a hand with a shake of his head. "Never mind. That's not why I'm here."

 

"Yeah, why are you here?" Tony stands up, resting both hands on the countertop of his workbench. Sometimes it feels like he's always on edge.

 

"I'm carrying out a favor for your son," Strange answers, unfazed. "He's worried about you." Tony stares at him. The defenses he's put up crumble at the thought of what he's been putting Peter through. "Come here. Let me show you something. Perhaps it will help." Tony shakily walks over and stands beside Strange. "I know you made the mistake of meddling with time. It's part of the reason I've been so angry with you. You don't understand what you're doing and you've paid for it. The bill always comes. You've lived through your consequence, and never known what happened in the dimension you left behind. This is not to cause you more pain; it is to bring you comfort. Please look for it."

 

With a slow circular motion, Strange opens a portal of sorts. It's not the ones Tony's used to seeing when the man hops time and dimensions. It's more like looking at a picture that's under water. He peers at the image and bites at the inside of his cheek. This isn't supposed to hurt him?

 

_"Tony? Tony!" Steve calls, frantically looking through the rubble of Tony's lab. Peter is on the other side of the room, doing his best to look as well. But Steve has a sinking feeling in his chest. He heaves a steel beam out of his way, losing steam rather quickly. He sits down on the beam with a heavy sigh, watching Peter continue to scramble around the room, calling for Tony. It's been an hour. He wasn't there for the battle. He's not here. And if he is, it's too late to save him. "Peter..." he says softly. "Peter." Both calls are ignored. He raises his voice this time. "Peter. Stop. It's no use."_

 

_Peter pauses and stares at him. Something falls across the room and tinkles against the broken bricks and drywall. "He's gotta be here," Peter finally tells him stubbornly._

 

_"No, I don't think he is," Steve mutters in defeat. He's tired, and confused, and hurt. "There's nothing we can--"_

 

_"No!" Peter shouts angrily, doing his best to hold back tears. "We'll find him -- one way or another. He wouldn't give up on you! I'm not letting you give up on him!"_

 

_Steve stares at him for several long moments. This boy has watched his and Tony's relationship go up and down for years. He's leaned on both of them at different points for different reasons. His words aren't just a reflection of their current situation, but also of everything he's seen and heard. Steve owes Peter, if no one else, to set his own feelings aside and help him somehow. He stands and nods. "I'll call Nat..."_

 

_They spend days and weeks and a few months looking for Tony. There's part of Steve that's angry with Tony for just leaving, and he takes it out when Peter`s not around. Sam Wilson becomes his soundboard now and again._

 

_Peter has a hard time accepting that Tony has just vanished. And he can't stand watching Steve suffer silently. Desperate to help Steve, and maybe get some closure for himself, he decides to go to Doctor Strange and lays out his story, doing his damned best to not get emotional. And Strange listens. He gets contemplative several times, but he listens. Strange takes pity and tells him, "Bring Steve here and I`ll see what I can do." He pauses and adds, "If you would like, you can stay and see what I find."_

 

_But Peter shakes his head. "If Steve can see him, know what happened to him, I'll be okay. I just want Steve to, I dunno... I just want him to find closure..." He can't imagine that Tony`s dead somewhere. At the same time, it`s the only possibility he can come up with. In any case, Strange should be able to find out what happened._

 

_With an oddly sympathetic look, Strange nods. "I'll do my best..."_

 

_Peter nods and thanks him one last time before hurrying home. He skipped his last period in school for this, and he better make it home on time or Steve will be pissed. When he gets back to Stark Tower, he finds Steve in the kitchen, flipping through what looks to be a manual. "Whatever it is, you could just ask JARVIS to help," Peter suggests, dumping his backpack on the sofa as he wanders to the island. He pulls out a stool and sits._

 

_"Or I could just do it the old fashioned way," Steve answers without looking up, though he sounds amused. "If you're not careful, technology could make you lazy. How was school?"_

 

_"Tedious," he answers, trying to see what Steve's reading. "Hey, I had a run-in with Doctor Strange, and he wants you to stop in at the sanctum ASAP."_

 

_This gets Steve's full attention and he looks up seriously. "Did you skip the bus again? I swear, Peter, you have to stop doing that. Don't be like..." It's an old argument, one that Peter`s used to hearing. But Steve can't bring himself to say Tony's name anymore, so the lecture gets cut short. "You`d put yourself in serious danger if anyone were to find out about your identity."_

 

_Peter does his best to look sheepish. "It's fun to go my way home, though..." He gets The Look and adverts his eyes. "I'm always careful... But I'll be more careful."_

 

_Steve sighs his annoyance. "Did Strange say what he wanted?" Peter shakes his head and Steve closes the book. "Small snack and homework. Don't think about erasing JARVIS`s feed -- Rhodey can get it back. I'm not beneath asking for his help." He walks around the counter and rests one hand on Peter`s shoulder before heading out. Peter wonders at that gesture sometimes; it's such a frequent occurrence now and it often feels as though Steve is simply making sure that Peter is still there. He peers at the manual as soon as Steve has left the room. It's an instruction manual for the new coffee pot he'd just bought after Clint broke theirs. He can't stop laughing._

 

_\--_

 

_Steve steps up to the sanctum doors. He hasn't really bothered to go to Strange before. Normally, the man comes to him. This feels different and there's a buzzing in the air as he knocks awkwardly. The doors swing open and he wanders inside hesitantly. "That was a bit quicker than I anticipated, but it works," Strange says from the steps and gestures for Steve to follow him. "Did Peter tell you why you're here?"_

 

_Steve heads up the stairs after Strange. "He tried to lie. He knows why I'm here, but he wouldn't tell me."_

 

_Strange smiles and gives a sort of scoff of a laugh before falling into silence. They get to the second floor and Strange leads him to a small table and a set of chairs. He offers a chair to Steve before taking his seat. A few moments of quiet pass between them before, finally, he says, "Life is full of second chances. I got mine, and I will give you one more. I'm going to see if I can't find him."_

 

_It takes a few minutes, in which Steve tries to comprehend exactly what Strange means. He then contemplates leaving. But Strange opens a watery looking portal and Steve is watching something indescribable. He leans forward in his seat despite any previous hesitation. He watches as Tony vanishes from his lab, and it starts a whirlwind of time traveling adventures. And, at first, Steve is angry. Because it's further proof that Tony would rather run from everything than stay and face them. After all the years that Steve stood by Tony, willing him to just reach out, asking him to take his hand... And he just leaves. As angry as he feels, he watches because he wants to know why. Why did Tony just leave? Why did he feel that need? Why didn't he come back? And how did it all fit into the attack on their home?_

 

_He gets answers, slowly but surely. He gets them through listening to conversations between different versions of himself and Tony. He gets them through that final bittersweet conversation, the night he should have been home with Steve and Peter, sorting through the wreck of their home together. And he starts to feel a little guilty for all his anger. Tony hadn't been running, not in the sense that Steve had originally thought. In a way that he can't describe, Steve finds Tony's desperation and vulnerability almost endearing. His dedication to his warped cause is somewhere between insanity and romantic. And Steve feels both heavier and lighter at the revelation that Tony isn't actually dead. "Can you bring him back here?" he whispers, still watching._

 

_"I could," Strange says in a rather strained voice. "But I won't. And you'll see why."_

 

_He watches a sped-up six months of a life he never saw or knew and will never know. In this six months, Peter, Tony, and Steve grow closer as a family. (He can't help but feel a little bitter about the fact that it seems he`ll never get that same chance.) And Steve watches as Tony does his best not to simply hide from pain that is inescapable. Because the Steve he is with is dying. And rapidly. And when he does pass, Tony hides. It's heartbreaking, really. He tries to stay bright-eyed for Peter, but it falls short and even Peter doesn't quite believe it. In three weeks, Steve is sure that Tony will fall back into a deep alcoholism from which he'll never recover._

 

_But, just as the Peter that Steve knows had for him, Tony's Peter goes to Strange and pleads for him to help his adoptive father. It seems a bit difficult, and Steve glances at Strange for explanation. "I am not limited to just this timeline, you know. I'll have seen all this once." The man sounds a lot less sympathetic now. Steve purses his lips. But he has a feeling that if he were in Strange`s shoes, he would be just as judgmental about the whole thing. He looks back at the window and is startled to see Tony staring back at him. It's not a version of Tony that he can confidently say he's seen before, though he's sure it's the Tony he knows. This man`s expression is one of pure adoration and complete desolation. Tear tracks stain his cheeks, and the bags under his eyes tell of sleep deprivation of the kind Steve can relate too well with. "Can he hear me?" Steve whispers to Strange, unable to divert his eyes for even a moment._

 

_"It's only a window," Strange answers slowly. "You can't reach out, and everything might be a tick behind, but you can probably hold a short conversation."_

 

_Before he can jump on the chance, Tony burst out with, "I am so sorry, Steve. I tried so hard to get back... I shouldn't have left to begin with -- if I'd just left the idea of the suit alone, and..." His breath hitches and he tries again, "I should have just talked to you..."_

 

_Steve shakes his head, disbelief coursing through his veins. An apology so sincere is such a rare thing from the brunet. "I wasn't very fair myself..." he admits, memorizing Tony's face. He wants every line and shadow embedded in his mind. "I got to the point myself that I wasn't being open anymore. I... I think I gave up a long time ago, and anything I did after that was justified as being there for you only if you needed it." He pauses, considering. "If we could do it all again, Tone, I'm not sure it would be any different. We're both so stubborn."_

 

_Tony laughs, the sound both broken and delighted. "I didn't realize how stubborn you were until I met you in two other universes. Well, three, because I'm here." He grimaces. "Maybe you're right. I think back to everything I've seen and what I've experienced here, and..." He shrugs, swallowing hard, unable to finish verbalizing whatever thought he had started._

 

_Steve can guess where he was going and frowns. "No, I don't think we're always meant to be torn apart. You made it to a universe where things could be fixed between us, and I think the possibility would have been high if you had managed to land here, too. There's a place out there that survived all our turmoil and we're still going strong there." His emotions are running high. Every muscle in his body is tensed with the desire to reach out to Tony, envelop him in his strength, to hold them both together because they're shattering. "Tony, I still love you. I do. And I'm just glad you're not dead."_

 

_"I'm glad you're not dead," Tony replies with a soft smile. "I love you. And make sure Peter knows I love him and I appreciate him. He's more than I ever gave him credit for, and I regret that. I'm doing my best to correct that here."_

 

_"He is pretty amazing," Steve mutters with an affectionate smile of his own. "I'll take care of him, and I'll let him know you meant well." Tears run down his cheeks, and he wipes at them halfheartedly. "Take care of yourself, Tony. I mean it. You don't have me to jump down your throat anymore."_

 

_Tony nods seriously. "I know. I want to do better than I managed before. I owe you -- and Peter -- that."_

 

_"You owe yourself that," Steve reminds him. Tony runs an unsteady hand through his hair. He nods silently, giving Steve a watery smile. The window vanishes and Steve does his best to collect himself in the silence that follows. "Thank-you," he says sincerely, turning his gaze to Strange._

 

_The man gives him an odd look, as if he had been deep in thought and had been jerked suddenly back to reality. "You're welcome. I apologize for not being able to do more."_

 

_Steve starts to protest, when a thought strikes him and he asks, "If my Tony landed in that timeline, he had to replace himself. What happened to the Tony in that universe?"_

 

_"That is rather the problem, isn't it?" Strange keeps a somber expression, but his voice is dripping with amusement.  "That was my first question when I found him." He stands abruptly. "I suggest you return home. I'm sure Peter would like to know what you found out."_

 

_"You didn't actually answer my question," Steve reminds him warily. "Did he die?"_

 

_Strange considers him a moment before speaking. "No. It seems as though that version of Tony was flightier and already had Rocket`s technology. He made a jump." Steve looks at him in confusion. That's funny? "If he can make the necessary fixes, he may pop up again. Don't worry, Captain. He's in no danger."_

 

\--

 

The ground under Tony's feet sways violently and he reaches out toward his desk to steady himself. One of Strange`s hands snap out in an automatic response to catch him as well. For a moment, they simply stare at each other. No words pass between them, yet the air is sizzling with communication. With a curt nod, Strange opens a portal and vanishes. Tony sinks to the floor and simply sits there. He's not sure how long he sits there, somewhere between numb and burning. Eventually, he hears Peter call for him before stumbling down the stairs. His enthusiasm dwindles as he leans over the railing. "Mr Stark...?"

 

Tony turns his gaze toward the boy and gratitude fills him up. He beckons him over and Peter hesitantly complies. "Thanks, kid," he murmurs and pulls him into a hug. "You're pretty incredible, you know that?"

"I didn't want you to hurt anymore..." Peter tells him, hugging him back.

 

Tony makes a sort of snickering sound that actually does not hold very much humor in it. "More than that, really. But that was a pretty cool thing, too." Peter giggles and Tony finds himself laughing along with him. The hole in his chest feels just a little smaller now. "I love you, Peter." He thinks he might get an answer, but can't tell between the hysterical giggles.

 

\--

 

{One week later; Steve's timeline}

 

Rhodey stares at Steve, utter surprise written all over his face. "You want what exactly?"

 

Steve rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "I want to retrofit the suit so I can wear it," he repeats, a little less confidently this time. "Is it possible?"

 

"I mean, between JARVIS and I, sure," Rhodey responds, glancing at the Iron Man suit. It's still behind the glass case that Tony kept all his suits in. The one Steve has settled on is the Mark XXIX. It has the triangle center, and the whole suit has always appeared sleek and strong to Steve. The center could easily be incorporated into the design he had in his head. "So are you taking on the Iron Man persona then?"

 

Steve frowns at the idea. "No... I want to represent Tony, and myself." He gives the suit another once over and nods decisively. "I think I'll call it..."

\--

{4 weeks later; Tony's timeline}

 

"The Iron Patriot," Tony introduces to a crowd of people, who all break into cheers.

 

He hadn't been sure about the idea at first, but between Rhodey and Peter, they'd put his fears to rest. He's retiring the Iron Man suit, and starting again as both himself and Captain America. The legacy of them both has to keep going and it was the best way that he could come up with. He couldn't magically make himself into Captain America, so the next best thing was to create a suit that was the hero in color and morality. He'd built a brand new, sleek suit for this. He kept the base color silver, and a similar pattern to Captain America's suit across the torso and chest. Red, blue, and silver striped down the arms, with stars on either forearm. The weapons were better, and the power behind it was incomparable. He's proud of it, and he feels like Steve would be, too. Because to wear a suit so similar to Cap's means that he has to represent Cap and attempt to keep his good morals and respect at the forefront of everything he did. It's a push to be a better person than he's ever been. And with Peter watching, he needs no more motivation to change. "Together, we'll build a brighter future for _everyone_."

 

\--

 

{Four weeks later; undefined timeline}

 

Tony sits back against the cool rock of a cave wall, closing his eyes. His head has been throbbing for hours and it won't quit.

 

He's never been good at confrontation. The last argument he'd had with Steve before taking off felt so final. He reaches up and detaches cords from his neck; the node ends clink softly against the metal of his suit. He thought he was being kind by removing himself from the picture. Steve was done arguing, done waiting, just done. So Tony had time traveled away. He knew the risks. He'd been tampering with the idea for months. Strange had tried talking him out of it, and had pulled back his alliance with him when Tony had ignored his warnings. Banner had tried talking him out of it. Rhodey had tried talking him out of it, and then yelled at him when he had been ignored. Rocket had laughed at him, but helped him create the suit because he was a firm believer in figuring things out by doing. He didn't believe that Tony would actually survive any jumps. Oh, but he had. He had done three small jumps after Rocket had helped him connect the suit to his nervous system and they had been successful. This had been his biggest jump, and the most painful. From everything Banner and Strange had said, he can guess why.

 

Something in the suit sparks down by his ankle and he stares at it. He'll fix it when he gets to his lab. Which may be awhile. He knows he's close to home, but he's missed it by several miles. He's somewhere along the coastline. Though it's dark outside, he's sure that people noticed his entrance into the timeline. Between the flash of light as he fell out of the portal, his boosters sputtering out, and his startled yelling, there was no missing him. He was hoping the police might just ignore the calls as crazy and he can have a little bit of time to recover.

 

A spark of light catches his attention by the cave entrance and he slowly turns his head to see what it is. The tap of metal on rock wakes his senses a little, but he feels slow as he lifts a hand and powers up his weapons. The voice from the suit across from him startles him and he freezes. "Tony? Is that you?"

 

He mentally switches the weapons on his raised hand to a light and the person in front of him has him reeling. It's an Iron Man suit, but painted in silver, grey-blue, and red. It's bigger than some of his designs, but sleek like the Mark XXIX. The helmet has been retracted and the concerned yet baffled face of Steve Rogers is visible, his blond hair catching shadows from the light in Tony's hand. So much for running away.

 

~Fin~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know that I said I wasn’t going to post anything more, but this year has been something else. From about February to the end of May, life got super rough for me and I learned a few hard lessons. I was doing my best to work through it all, and from all those feelings, this story was born. The goal of this story was to provide a creative outlet for myself where I could just dump everything I was feeling, ending with the final sentence and sentiment of, “You can’t run from what you feel.” This ended up being much longer than anticipated, and I didn’t even write all my ideas for it out. But, in a way, it was pretty therapeutic for me. I’ve been able to move past some of the regret and bitterness that I was originally feeling, and move forward in life again. 
> 
> It’s not always easy to believe the idea that “when one door closes, another opens”. I’ve tried to remind myself of that repeatedly over the years, especially this one. Keep shining in your truth, give yourself some credit, and keep marching forward. We’re all part of each other, all connected to Source/God, and we’re all on our own paths. Sometimes we stumble, sometimes we face really difficult learning lessons, and we always pick ourselves up after each one. And, down the line, we’ll be able to look back and say, “Oh, now I get it.” So to everyone who reads this, I send you a little bit of loving and healing energy, should you choose to accept it. <3


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